If Magazines Were People

We all know that print media is on the way out. You know what else should be on it's way out? People who are as lame as mainstream print media. We know these publications like family members, or at least like acquaintances to be avoided. Here, the blogtrack assessment of just what lurks between those glossy pages, soon to litter urban areas and never really biodegrade.
Here, If Their Departments and Features were Their Annoying Behavior and Bad Habits.

Rolling Stone:
Your dad's aging friend who's still really hot. He might have about 30 years of excessive drinking around his middle and might be losing his hair, but he used to be really good looking and is still cool. He has lots of stories about Woodstock and Altamont. If you make fun of Foreigner with him, he'll totally want to bone you and future gatherings will be pretty awkward. And fun.

Details:
Bitter, closeted woman hater from the Upper West Side in Italian leather shoes. He tries really hard to look good and succeeds until he opens his mouth. He will marry a debutante from Long Island, just like his mother, who he hates.

Newsweek:
Your idiotic neighbor with no new opinions and nothing interesting to say at all, but thinks she's doing you a favor by cluing you in. She comes over about once a week to talk to you about current events with a complete lack of insight into anything at all and drops irrelevant pop culture references while thinking she's up on things . Your parents like her.

Adbusters:
6'1'', 140 lb. bike messenger who really hates himself. Would throw grenades at the white house if he thought it would do any good. Spends a lot of time reading Marx since he got over Kerouac. Will make you an awesome vegan dinner and is so good looking and cool that you will never touch another dairy product... until you get sick of feeling bad about laughing occasionally and reading the New York Times.

NYT "Arts and Leisure"
Forty-year old balding father of two kids under four who lives in Park Slope. Embarrassing aging hipster in leather sneakers and thick plastic frames who will tell you about this cool new show called Flight of the Conchords two years from now. At least he has connections.

NYT "Sunday Styles"
Bergdorf Goodman just threw up this walking pile of vapidity. She's completely non-self-aware and so incredibly boring you cringe at the sight of her before running the opposite direction to avoid an extended conversation about Natalie Portman's new haircut and this season's new boot. Renders the entire Ivy League beneath contempt for producing such a scourge on humanity.

NYT T style Magazine
Sunday Styles' even more despicable older sister who insists on being called by an annoying nickname. Anorexic headcase who rehabs in the Hamptons at her brilliant, wildly successful parents house. Everyone who knows her family secretly thinks that actually, she never should have been born because she's really just a good-looking money pit who makes her parents look bad.

Esquire:
Just smart, cool and good looking enough to make up for all the times he's dumb and offensive. You think about marrying him before realizing that he's slept with all your friends' friends. this guy can talk intelligently for hours about the problem with our hyper-violent society, then glorify it in the next breath. For now, you'll keep him around because he might have cooler, nicer friends.

The Believer:
Aforementioned cooler, nicer and smarter friend of Esquire. Spends a lot of time reading and likes things earnestly that are worth liking earnestly. Has worn the same thing since he was fifteen and writes poetry and fiction when he's not working for a non-profit.
It's love.


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