dear american broadz:

last night i was in the women's room at a restaurant and a couple of bank-teller types were re-applying their eyeliner while turning sideways in the full-length mirror. They were both about 5'9'' or so and in their late 20s. One of them turns to the other and says: "just once I'd like to be the short sexy girl."

Now, who knows what sort of self-conscious self-loathing is swirling around in every other human's cranial cavity, but seriously? It's called mind control. Let's move on. Here are some easy steps toward self-acceptance:

1) whatever bad thoughts exist in your mind are the product of corporate media-propagated mind control that exists for no other purpose than to a) make you feel bad about yourself so you'll consequently b) buy shit in an attempt to purchase your own sense of self-respect, which you conversely absolutely never will. These are the people that have made being "too tall" and "too short" concepts in the first place, relegating millions of lives to the backseat because they feel like freaks. Who wants to join me in a class-action lawsuit against the puppetmasters of Seventeen, Allure and all the rest?

2) guys (ie those who you are trying to be "short and sexy" for) don't care how tall you are, what kind of pants/eyeshadow/shoes you're wearing, etc etc and if they do, they're obviously "not worth your time." And of course there are plenty of people who aren't worth your time, and they are the ones whose consciousness have been successfully colonized by corporate media brainwashing (see above). Don't waste your life trying to appease these human vaccuums-- you never will.

3) If you want to be "sexy" (duuuhh, who doesn't) decide what's totally bangin about you and play it up. If you believe "women's mags"/the "entertainment industry" etc, there is about one way to be hot and it involves lots of collagen and ex-lax. Which is fine, but doesn't sound like much fun. Plus, who wants to look like one of Tiger Woods' sext-mates when you can be a TON hotter by just being you?

So if you ever feel bad about your"self" (ie the self that is presented to the rest of the world, more often the physical self, which we are taught to value above all else) just remember that's the aim toward homogenization of the corporate entities that want nothing more than your money in exchange for only your soul.

So! Bros and broads, love yallself. I realize this lecture seems adolescent in target audience, but evidently, humans are somehow allowed to enter adulthood never having checked their irrational hang-ups at the high school out door. I would venture this this is actually why Glen Beck has a career-- he's a flabby loser looking for validation, and felt so unloved he'd do anything to anything gain the admiration of his fellow idiots. Case in point: insecurity is dangerous. Stop buying jeans and sneakers and starting talk shows to validate your existence to yourself and whoever you have a crush on. It's never gonna work.

love,
your high school guidance counselor, who is right and thinks you are lovely just the way you are so stop throwing up your lunch or I'm going to send a note to your parents.