the internet was probably just invented so people would have something to do at "work."

When I die, please DO NOT, like even THINK about EVER setting up one of those "pages" on facebook where people can comment and be like "I miss you girl... you always kept it real" and other such debasing inanities. If you let this happen, I will come back to haunt the shit out of you.

When the rights to my life story are optioned, the contract will stipulate that Will Arnett will star. Opposite Daniel Radcliffe as the (non-existent in reality) love interest. HOLLYWOOD BLOCKBUSTER SUMMER 2K47!!1111

Since I snored my way through years of church and sort of debunked the whole Adam and Eve ruse as complete bullshit by age seven because where did the dinosaurs fit in there?, I've always thought religion was for people who weren't smart enough (yeah, I'm a douche, whatevs) to stare the cold truth of human existence in the face-- that we don't matter, that we'll die soon and there is no eternal pool party waiting for us at the end, no matter what Carrie Underwood or whatever says. However, that being said, if I had to choose a religion it would definitely be Buddhism, as it takes all the good parts of religion, e.g. spritual and moral guidance, a reason for living, without all of the YOU CAN'Ts that make modern American Christianity seem like a boring, excruciating anger/hate-fest and about as much fun as a rectal exam. Most importantly, no wars were ever waged in Buddha's name.

Good thing America produces a lot of glossy high-fructose treats (Pixar, Gaga etc) to export to the rest of the world so they don't really notice that we're robbing them of autonomy and blowing up shit all the time.
AMERICA: Hey, don't pay attention to the IMF! Watch this music video featuring writhing naked women!
"DEVELOPING" NATION: America is so cool! Hey, why has all the independent industry in my country been replaced by multi-nationals? Why do we owe the World Bank millions of dollars in interest that we'll never be able to pay back, on a loan we were forced to take out?
AMERICA: Hey, did you know that sexy people like us buy stuff all the time? Have some!
"DEVELOPING" NATION: Wait, um, it would be cool to have some accessible clean drinking water....
AMERICA: Buy some Coke! Or do you want Sprite?



*all this having been said, I do enjoy clean drinking water. Thank you America.