Breaking: College Grad Identifies Path to Success, Wisdom and Happiness

Ah, college grads. There may not be a creature on earth who so perfectly embodies the delicate balance of idealism and self-righteousness as the Recent College Graduate, and every May the air is filled with the stench of the self-satisfaction mixed with fear. Since I wore that little hat almost a whole week ago, I have the right to glibly bombard you with my views on the world and life, because I now know almost everything there is worth knowing (just a little more Kerouac, and that almost will be effectively taken care of). Before that whole "real world" thing (a cultural construct if there ever was one) mars the clarity with which I am currently able to view the world, here is a list of personal insights and cultural observations I've culled over the last few years of expensive summer camp, which was actually really worth it (thanks, Mom and Dad!). Before I started, I never would've known what I still don't know (which completely goes against what I just said about knowing everything, but that's the beauty of being young and impressionable. Or something.)*

Finally, the wisdom the world has been waiting for:

WHAT I LEARNED IN COLLEGE

1. Wow, the world sure is fucked up.
(a) Your reality is being controlled by a small cabal of very rich and very old white men.
(b) You're a corporate target.
(c) The natural world is being destroyed.
(d) Global wealth is more uneven than it's ever been.
(e) The cheap energy sources that have built our incredibly decadent lifestyles are close to collapsing.
In fact, just about everything that COULD go wrong actually IS! So, you, college student/grad/mom/dad/shamed American, must forget everything you know and start over. Everything THEY (yes, there is a they) tell you is wrong, you can't buy your way out of this one, and your patriotic/religious paraphernalia does not guarantee you a place in heaven.
2. You CAN! almost learn how to think about maybe starting to change it a little bit.
(a) Moral superiority is not a bad thing, and that myth is only perpetuated by the selfish and lazy.
3. You don't actually have to read the boring assignments, especially if you don't care about your grades. And a lot of the reading is really interesting, especially if you don't care about your grades.
(a) If you ever experience the carpet of reality being pulled out from under you and grow suspicious of all that exists and doesn't exist in the entire world, you're doing alright.
4. The world does not end if you get a C or a D or an F. Nothing you do for a grade will ever affect anyone else's life, so stop boring everyone with your complaining.
(a) Some people will graduate with honors. Some won't. Everyone keeps breathing. A lot of people with very good grades will go on to make a lot of money, or not make a lot of money, or have a lot of fun, or do great things. A lot of people with not very good grades will go on to make a lot of money, or not make a lot of money, or have a lot of fun, or do great things.
5. Awkwardness will ensue. Embrace it.
(a) Everyone is so self-conscious that no one has time to worry about what you're doing, wearing or listening to.
6. Selling a really great anthology of world literature for $19 is a mistake.
(a) reading is still a better idea than Wii.
7. Nothing is so important that you can't skip it for something spontaneous and fun.
8. You can take about three fundamental ideas and apply them to every paper you ever write. (eg the world bank is evil, nothing is true, almost every classic text you read is patriarchally informed, etc.)
9. Women are in charge in male/female relationships (obviously). No one can deny that. Women, use it without taking advantage it. Men, don't be jerks.
10. Your major probably doesn't really matter, so pick one that's fundamental to your becoming a person, or it's going to be a long four years. If you don't have actual academic interests (or want to major in business/ neoclassical economics), don't go to college and give your spot to someone else.
11. A lot of people are huge tools. Avoid them so you don't have to worry about it.
(a) But you can make fun of them when you need to feel better about yourself.
(b) Also, a lot of people who seem like tools actually aren't. Don't judge people until after you know them.
12. You definitely won't regret any time you spend with friends. Actually, the only regret I have is that I didn't meet more people (ie hot smart dudes). Your 4.0 will never make you laugh or listen to your stories, and won't keep in touch after you graduate.
13. Mainstream media is for the old and dead, as are moderation and greatest hits albums (obviously).
14. The sixties might've been cool, but they're over and partially responsible for the quagmire of bullshit our generation has to wade through (see #1). If we learn to celebrate and loathe the time we're living in, we can understand and fix it.
15. Facebook is our generation's most brilliant form of effective corporate mind-control. Think before you offer all your personal information (see #1 (a) and (b)).
16. In spite of the self-indulgent practices and beliefs that college allows and encourages, you are actually very far from being the center of the world.
16. This list wouldn't be complete without the cliche (but valuable) things you always hear: don't be afraid to talk in class, try stuff that seems scary or stupid or weird, if you're not living on the edge you're taking up too much room, allow yourself to remain open to all views (especially the ones that confirm your own so you can win arguments against Republicans and make them feel dumb).
17. It's impossible to make a mistake (except for #6).
18. Most importantly, don't let anyone tell you what to do. Doing what anyone tells you to is quickest way to ending up miserable.
(a) For the record, the list is is merely meant as a suggestion.

Also, college is pretty cool, but I'm fairly certain that it doesn't actually have to be the "best four years of your life!!!11" You should actually make sure it's not, because who wants life after 22 to be a sixty year denouement?

*Disclaimer: contributing to the pompous tone of this list is that I'm currently in a coffee shop attempting to justify my existence. Oh, and I didn't get honors so I feel bad about myself. J/k!!111